May 29, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Atlanta Hawks head coach Mike Budenholzer takes questions from the media after being introduced during a press conference at Philips Arena. Mandatory Credit: Daniel Shirey-USA TODAY Sports

Hawks New Coach Gets DUI After Realizing Team In Same Division As Heat


 

JUST TO BE CLEAR:

sat·ire (ˈsaˌtīr) noun 1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
Last night, while I was awaiting my connecting flight back home at Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport, I saw a local news report, and sprung into action. Since I had a 45 minute window before my flight left, I rushed off to get a first hand account.

It seemed that new Atlanta Hawks coach Mike Budenholzer was arrested last night and charged with Driving Under the Influence. I learned that Budenholzer was pulled over at about 10:30 p.m. for having non-working tail lights. Budenholzer has posted bond and has been released. He has informed the team about his arrest.

Uncorroborated reports suggest that Budenholzer was having a nice, calm evening when he was asked by a fan whether he believed the Hawks could contend with the Heat for the Southeast Division title this year. It’s not actually being reported that all the color drained from his face upon finally realizing that his new team was in the same division as the Heat, and that the Heat still had LeBron James. Speculatively, Budenholzer then emptied an entire bottle of white wine and stumbled out to his car. It may be believed that the red and watery eyes that police noticed on Budenholzer were from his tears, and not necessarily from alcohol-related effects.

Budenholzer may have been heard mumbling, “why Pop, why’d you let me do it” as he was escorted to jail.

I was able to question the coach upon his release, but unfortunately, I was wearing my Ray Allen Heat jersey. Budenholzer started shaking and crying upon seeing this, and not wanting to be a bad guy, I handed him a bottle of whiskey, and said, “it may not make you forget game 6, but at least it should make you forget for a while that you have to play us five times (preseason included), this year.”

I returned to the airport, and since it’s Delta (they hate us  - see American Airlines Arena), I was able to catch my 45 minute lay over before it left six hours later.  Upon my arrival back home, I ran into one of the Heat assistant coaches (who wishes to remain anonymous), and told him about the Hawk’s new coach. Surprisingly, he was also unaware that the Hawks played in our division, saying that he thought their team had been relocated. I told him that was the Thrashers, not the Hawks.

The Hawks and Heat square off in a preseason match up on October 7th at the AAA. It’s must see basketball, as both the Heat and the Hawks will realize that Josh Smith now plays for the Pistons.

#LET’S GO HEAT

Tags: Atlanta Hawks DUI Miami Heat Mike Budenholzer Parody Satire