Oh, it’s time. It is time, ladies and gentleman. What time is it, you ask? It’s time to “mess with Texas.”
We gave you a week of hope filled soup, well guess what? No more soup for you.
Miami has had enough of toying with Dallas. It’s time to come out and make a statement.
Since the Heat players have chosen to take the high road and not engage in the trash talk with the Mavericks, I will kindly take their place.
The gloves are coming off, right here right now it’s me and the Lone star State. Mano a mano. Man to redneck.
Hide the kids, hide your wife, hide your husbands because we’re about to rape everybody out here.
20. They Let Steve Nash Go to Sign Erick Dampier
Let’s get this off on the right note.
Mark Cuban offered point guard Steve Nash a five-year, $45 million deal. The Suns offered him a six-year, $65 million deal. Cuban said the Sun’s offer was “crazy” because Nash was 30 and past his prime.
Cuban then signed 29-year-old center Erick Dampier to a seven-year, $73 million deal.
Brilliant move Dallas, you let go of a future two time MVP to keep a giant scrub. And while he may be our giant scrub now letting go of the Dirty Dirk and Nasty Nash combo has haunted this franchise for years now.
19. Because “Git R Dun” Isn’t Supposed to Be a Reference About Your Sister
Can’t stand that damn phrase and the truth of the matter is that Texas has the highest percentage of people living in trailer homes in America. Needless to say they go hand in hand.
18. The Damn Place Is Crawling with Vile Little Critters
Be it Fire Ants, Red Wasps, JJ Barea or Jason Terry, the place is literally being over run by tiny annoying things.
17. Your Fans Aren’t Worthy of Our Bandwagons Wrath
We just got through battling Chicago and Boston fans so now we come across Dallas and we can’t even get a good rivalry going because your fans expect to lose.
At least the Celtics and Bulls faithful were arrogant and confident. Where as in this series, it feels almost like a let down after the fun we had in the Eastern Conference Semi’s and Finals.
16. Hurricanes vs Tornadoes
OK so you have the most trailer homes in a place that gets ravaged by tornadoes.
As a Miami resident sure we have the nuisance of dealing with Hurricanes but at least we get a weeks notice for those and can get the hell out of the way. You get stuck driving during the middle of a twister and you might end up on top of a damn barn while still sitting in your ride.
15. They Have the Second Worst Cuban to Ever Walk This Earth
OK so the guy isn’t Fidel but is he really any better? I mean this is the only other Cuban that Miami despises and roots against.
He earned his fortune without ever contributing anything of value. He was lucky and bless him for that but money can’t buy class as we will see later and in this case it couldn’t even buy a championship team.
Besides being the most annoying owner in sports the guy came out and said only a moron would invest in YouTube.
Cubans first move after taking over the Mavs was to sign a 40 year old Dennis Rodman. Pat Riley acquired Alonzo Mourning.
Case closed.
14. Big Hair
You are destroying the planet because you buy more Aquanet per household than anywhere else in the world.
I don’t know what decade these people live in but the motto everything is bigger in Texas must have started out because of these awful hair styles.
Well either that or the waist size of their residents. Which leads us to our next slide.
13. They Have 600lb Wild Pigs Roaming Free
So they really do have huge wild pigs all over the place but I’m referring to the kind that walks on two legs.
Yo Texans, it’s called a diet, try and stick to it because you have some of the fattest people on the planet. In fact 4 out of the 10 fattest cities in America just happen to reside in Texas.
Now, we all know that Texas toast is so dang tasty, but slather on some bbq sauce and top it off with a block of lard and then you’re talking.
12. They Couldn’t Even Sign Their First Ever Draft Pick.
So it’s like 1980 and the Mavs use their first ever pick to nab UCLA’s Kiki Vandeweghe. Guy said hell with that I’m not playing for some team named after a crappy James Gardner TV show and proceeds to hold out until he was traded. Great start to your franchise Dallas, hell at least our first pick was a white guy that wore our uniform and still holds some team records.
11. Lack of Cultural Awareness and Taste
There are some things that oil and ranching money can’t buy.
Sure you own 10000 acres, three homes and an Escalade but can you even find Germany on a map?
Even worse do you have deer heads hanging in your house along a rack full of shot guns.
Stay Classy Texas.
10. Just Jealous Because They Had to Break Up Their Big Three
Ok so once upon a time you had the 3 J’s.
It looked as if your team was finally headed in the right direction after being league laughing stocks for almost a decade.
Well we know how that turned out. You had to trade them all away and poof there went your championship aspirations for another eight years or so.
Now don’t hate Miami because we’re going to do what you only dreamed of.
9. They Are Isolationists and Drive over an Hour to Get Anywhere They Need to Go
Face it in Texas you have people that are so backwards they think their state is more important than the country.
These are people that live under a rock but then brag that it’s the biggest rock around.
Equally as bad is that they have to drive 45 to 90 minutes to get to things that people in Miami have five minutes away from their homes. Then to top things off they have to drive on frontage roads and you get a flat tire about every week or so.
8. They Gave Us G.W. Bush
There is one thing to be a conservative republican, but Texas is full of redneck conservatives.
These people hold on to their guns and bibles so tight that they lose grasp of common sense. Such as your governor was a reh-tard.
So thanks for passing him on to the rest of America. It only set us back about twenty years and trillions of dollars.
7. Dirt Roads vs Sandy Beaches.
So Texas thinks they can compete with sunny South Florida.
How?
There is nothing good to see in Texas. Just miles and miles of dirt.
Your beaches are contaminated.
In Texas, Galveston is considered a resort town. Compared to our beaches, “Galveston is a cesspool with an oil platform right on the beach while you swim among signs that warn you about hepatitis.”
6. My Little Pony Is Their Mascot
Nothing screams bad ass and winners, like a gay stallion prancing around.
5. The Place Is Literally Full of Crap
Texas is a waste dump.
There are more pollution producing factories, industries and manufacturing plants than any other state.
They rank in the top five of all known pollutants. If Texas were a country they would be the eighth leading emitter of carbon dioxide pollution. That’s more than the entire country of Canada.
On top of that you have all the gas killing the ozone thanks to the countless heads of cattle they have. With which comes a whole lot of stinky bull crap for you to deal with.
Good job Texas kill your people then let it spread to the rest of us.
4. Don’t Mess with Texas
Why mess with something that is all screwed up as is?
Way to articulate your state pride.
Texas bravado is as dumb as the state is big.
3. Jason Terry Is a Mini Paul Pierce
Come on studio gangster tell us how LeBron James can’t stop you, Go and act hard on a court when in reality your softer than a rose pedal.
For a guy that’s never done a damn thing this smurf sure has a big mouth.
You having to remove that Larry O’Brien Trophy tattoo is the single best incentive you could have ever given James and the Heat.
Just keep sucking that D in Jason, o wait you got a little something on your chin.
Search Jason Terry Sucks the D on Youtube.
2. Dirk Nowitzki Is the Result of Nazi Experiments.
OK it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this guys granddad was a Nazi during WW2.
We all know how much the Nazi’s loved experimenting. And thus they created this seven foot blond haired, blue eyed freak.
Think of Ivan Drago minus the toughness.
1. Cavs for Mavs
Losers of the basketball world unite.
This is the ultimate recipe for disaster. You take two crappy cities and franchises and unite them in a common effort to stop the Miami Heat.
The Mega Asses
It’s like the WWE’s Mega Powers tag team of Randy Macho Man Savage and Hulk Hogan. Only this time it’s Mark Cuban and Dan Gilbert combining.
If they morphed together they would form the biggest douche known to man.
*Disclaimer*
To anyone that may have taken offense to this list, it was a joke. I’m sure the people of Dallas,Texas and Cleveland, Ohio are wonderful losers
Enjoy