Video Breakdown: Chris Bosh Survives India
By Wes Goldberg
(Vimeo)
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for: A 5 1/2 minute video on Chris Bosh traveling India!
As you probably have all realized by now, Bosh has been in India for much of the summer doing Bosh things. What are Both things? I’m glad you asked. Going to aquariums, setting up his child for photo shoots, painting dots on his head to fit in, going to the Taj Gibs-I mean “Mah-hole” and being stared at as he walks down the streets of Agra, as he towers over India’s towers.
Seriously, you could watch this entire video and be entertained by the looks people give him as he walks by. Incredible.
Money quote: “He just picked up some sh** with his hands. Damn.”
You know what? I wasn’t planning on this, but this video is too good. That’s right. SCENE BY SCENE BREAKDOWN.
(0:01) We start by assuming Bosh is on that plane, but he probably isn’t. This is called B-roll, and it it used for effect. Bosh probably isn’t on that plane. But you get the point.
(0:03) Cut to Bosh standing on a balcony. We have covered this before, Heat players standing pensively on balconies. But now we know Bosh was simply reminiscing of the NBA Finals. Good times.
(0:21) YOUR DREAMS. I WILL EAT YOUR DREAMS.
(0:38) Dramatic intro done. Cut to Bosh is a yellow Lamborghini driving the streets of wherever. Did he bring that with him? Have it shipped out their? Rent it? Probably rented it. Wait, can you rent a Lambo? How much is that?
(0:49) Now we see Bosh with his family. He starts rambling on about something, about why he is in India, or how he looked forward to it or something. It is quite incomprehensible. Read for yourself:
“This is a trip combined with other trips, my family. So and I was aware of the vacations but you know that’s what I kept trying to put out of my head [laughs].”
That is word for word what he said. WHAT? But it goes on.
“We’re in the playoffs and especially in the Finals in the last couple of days your mind wants to wonder to something more peaceful and more easy and, um, that’s all I could think about sometimes.”
Uh, what?
“But you gotta ‘NO NO NO’,” he continues. “NO” and another “NO.”
The rest reads like Stephen Jackson talking to the angel and devil on his shoulders during a game, wondering if his gat will be in his locker room at half time. “Let’s concentrate on the game. Let’s make sure we do that. That’ll be their. I know it’s gonna be their.”
This flashes for a second in the middle of Bosh going insane. Unintentionel humor.
Bosh concludes: “I got crap on my mind but I didn’t pay it much attention cuz I couldn’t. I had to give all my focus and all my energy to the game at that point.”
(1:26) So now we are at dinner and Bosh is finished with his rant. What did it mean? That this trip was planned in advance and he was looking forward to it… or something. A terrible interview by one of the league’s smarter players. Was he drunk? I don’t know. We will never know.
(1:28) Now we are the aquarium. If you are still following along, Bosh woke up on a 5-star balcony overlooking the entire planet of India, drove around in a yellow Lambo, ate in what looks like the greatest Cheese Cake Factory ever, and hit up some sharks for a good time. Translation: He isn’t really experiencing India.
(1:39) Next stop, Dubai. “We’re finally here safely,” says a relieved Bosh. “Thank goodness, glad we made it.”
They land. Then these two frames.
Only a matter of time until we got bug-eyed Bosh.
(2:07) Now Bosh and his family are in Dubai, where Bosh towers over every person and building. Maybe the most entertaining part of this video was watching people react and stare at Bosh like he is some kind of monster ostrich cyborg who arrived to take over India.
(2:11) “Walking to the Taj Ma-Hole.”
Bosh should be used to seeing weird stuff walking around in Miami. But I guess he wasn’t prepared for what he would see next in India.
“We are seeing all of India — He just picked up some sh** with his hands.”
MONEY LINE.
(3:15) I don’t even know what to make of that. Bosh thinks “You know, we all see the same sky no matter where we are. Isn’t that incredible? I mean, I’m seeing the sky, and I bet LeBron and D-Wade are seeing the sky too. Oh, wait, what’s the time difference? Did that dude really pick up some poo?”
(3:32) Now Bosh is in a Taxi, talking about how there is more traffic and people walking in the streets blah blah blah. But the best part about this is that the woman driver is talking about the history of India, and he would rather be with that dude who picks up dung.
“Mumbai used to be land of seven idles.”
(3:36) “300 years ago, there was no India,” yaps the driver.
(4:21) “You look around and see, like, cows. I’m seeing cows. I’m seeing elephants.” I mean, he looks out the window trying to figure out an escape plan from this annoying driver, how much do you want to bet that Bosh seriously considered jumping out of the moving vehicle and onto this elephant and riding off into the sunset?
(4:29) I’me seeing moneys [laughs].”
(5:03) And then it’s Bosh giving an interview. Talking about how he enjoys the opportunity to help expand the game of basketball. Really, not much funny going on here. Sounds like a good interview for a bunch of very grateful reporters in India. Drop the mic. Bosh out.
Apparently, this is Part 1. Can’t wait to see Part 2 of #NAMASTE BOSH.